What Makes Men Violent?

When I heard about the last mass shooting in Vegas, I felt physically ill.  If the shooter was a Muslim or anything other than White, the media and politicians would label him as a terrorist.

If the shooter is White, they say that he has mental health issues.

But what has been the common denominator in 88 out of the last 91 shootings?  It is that the shooter is a male.

While most men are not violent, most of the violence is committed by men.   In fact, 90% of homicides are by men.   And it is time that we as a country start to address the underlying causes before more lives are lost!

So what makes men violent?

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Is it Really “Common Sense”?

When I hear the phrase “It’s just common sense”, I cringe.

Why?   Because our version of “common sense” is based on our environment and past experiences.   What might be common sense to an American, can be very different than what is considered common sense to someone born in a different culture.

Case in point:

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One Mindset Shift that Could Change the World

Growing up, my parents valued hard work over everything else.   One of my father’s favorite sayings was, “I don’t believe in having too much fun”.   Having play dates was not encouraged or often allowed!

Therefore, I didn’t have a lot of practice making friends or developing healthy relationships.   Without good modeling for what healthy relationships looked like, I had to figure things out the hard way, through a tons of trial and error.  I suffered for decades, feeling like I was all alone and incapable of being loved!

That was why I was thrilled to learn
about the Smart Couple podcast by Jayson Gaddis. Its purpose is to give couples the tools they need to have win-win relationships. As a single person, it helped me figure out what I needed to do to have healthy relationships, and what I would need from a future partner.   But another key benefit is that what he shares can be applied to improving all of our relationships with friends, family, people we work with, and even ourselves!

I took a class with him to dive more deeply into the material, and got a lot out of it. But if I were asked to give you the most valuable tip I learned, this mindset shift would be it.   I feel so strongly about this analogy, that I believe if it were spread far and wide, it could change the world.

What is this valuable mindset shift?

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The Dangers of Avoiding Conflict

I grew up in a home where I was regularly yelled at for doing things like leaving lights on, for eating too much, or wanting too much. I was told that it was my job not to make my father angry, and so I felt like I was constantly stressed, and feeling like I was walking on egg-shells around the house.   I was taught that we had to respect and obey our elders, and the idea of standing up for myself was completely foreign to me.   Since I didn’t believe I would be able to avoid his anger, I tried to not have feelings and needs.   This set me up for a lifelong pattern of isolating when I was unhappy, and trying to deal with it on my own.

The problem with this model, is

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7 Tips to Respectfully Discuss Divisive Topics:

America has grown increasingly divided, especially over the course of this last election, and I worry in today’s political climate, it could get worse before it gets better.

The increasing divisiveness has made me want to only spend time with people I agree with. But I’ve realized that my tendency to stay one sided only reinforces my own way of thinking, and does not help us bridge the widening gaps between us.  Americans now more than ever need to find ways to bridge the divide. We need to be able to sit down and respectfully talk to people we don’t agree with, and find common ground. It is the only way we will be able to make the changes we need to benefit us all!

I am no diplomat, but I tend to seek out very diplomatic friends, so I asked them for their wisdom. With their support I’ve developed 7 tips we can take to respectfully discuss divisive topics.

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