America has grown increasingly divided, and I’m concerned about whether people on both sides of the political divide will be able to be cordial to each other.
The increasing divisiveness has actually made me only want to spend time amongst people I agree with. But, I’ve realized that my tendency to stay one sided only reinforces my own way of thinking, and this does not help to bridge the widening gaps between us. Americans now, more than ever, need to find ways to bridge the divide. We need to be able to sit down and talk to people we don’t agree with, and find some common ground. It is the only way we will get to make necessary changes to benefit us all!
I am no diplomat, but I seek out my most diplomatic friends and draw on their wisdom. With their support I’ve developed 7 tips everyone can use to respectfully discuss divisive topics with others. Find out about them below.
1. Listen
Listen for other peoples’ feelings and validate them. We all have feelings and can relate to that. The stories we use to justify those feelings may differ but listening engenders trust, and you can’t persuade someone without trust.
2. Know about the backfire effect
Its important to realize that arguing actually helps each party solidify their own perspective – this is called the backfire effect. Do NOT expect to change someone else’s beliefs. Their beliefs are often developed by years of accruing information from people they trust. You have to be deemed a ‘trusted source’ of information before they may even be willing to hear what you have to say. So, if you need to change the topic, try acknowledging the person’s feelings about the issue. Then confirm the issue upsets you too, suggest that arguing is likely to be divisive, and confirm you would rather have the opportunity for a greater connection. This sends the message you are more interested in a connection and wanting to ‘agree to disagree’ without having to justify yourself and risk triggering one other further.
3. Check your attitude
If you are having difficulty respecting another person for their views, and you’re not open to being persuaded, it would be wiser to avoid topics that are likely to be divisive. It’s helpful to realize that at any point in time, we are all doing our best.
4. Look for areas of agreement
There are some issues most people on both sides of the political aisle agree on – inequality, corruption and the restoration of our Democracy are examples. If someone says something about a topic that seems, in your opinion, ridiculous or wrong, find areas you agree on and try redirecting their thought patterns with questions that are likely to generate an agreement. Then, if you notice them considering your perspective, don’t rub it in – if you stay respectful, you are more likely to have influence.
5. Inquire and stay curious
If we want to work on bridging the gaps that divide our country, we need to listen to other’s opinions with the intention to foster greater understanding. Research shows that Democrats and Republicans stereotypically have fundamental drivers influencing their thinking. Because our opinions are shaped by fundamentally different world views, we need to understand each other’s perspectives to have any influence. Abraham Lincoln once said if he met a man he didn’t like, he would immediately say to himself “I must not know him well enough.”
6. Seek to understand the bigger picture
Jonathan Heidt, whose research is on the morals of liberals vs. conservatives, says it is useful to let go of the view that the opposite side is immoral, and realize our own choices are based on different moral principles. He says in his TED talk, that we all think we’re right. But, he recommends stepping out of our moral authority to realize there is more than one way to see things. The concept of yin/yang is being able to see there is a dichotomy and purpose for each side. For a greater understanding of how our morals differ, check out his Ted Talk here:
7. Remain flexible
Chris Ulner of Special Books by Special Kids travels around connecting with neurodiverse children that have a variety of special needs. He is brilliant at finding ways of connecting with children that many adults struggle to reach. Chris demonstrates this ability to connect and the power of flexibility in this truly inspiring video. The lesson here can be applied to any interaction!
Have you tried any of these methods to respectfully discuss divisive topics, and have they worked for you? Do you have any more suggestions? Please comment below.
If you know anyone who would find this article useful, please share with them!
Special thanks to my friends for their wisdom on this subject: Peter Michael Feysa IV, Marilyn Marshall, Vicki Rhoades, Jaqueline Coppage, Maria Mangiarelli Rippo, Jessica Friend, Jim Ruetenik, Sara Louise Waters, Jim Kellner
I just like the helpful information you provide in your articles
Thank you Javier!