In the home where I grew up I was regularly yelled at for things like leaving lights on, eating too much, and wanting too much. I was told it was my ‘job’ not to make my father angry and I felt constantly stressed and like I needed to walk on egg-shells. The idea of standing up for myself was completely foreign and I was taught I had to respect and obey my elders. I put my own feelings and needs aside in an attempt to avoid my father’s anger. This started a lifelong pattern of isolating myself when I was unhappy, and trying to deal with it on my own.
The problem with this is, as an adult, I was so afraid of making people angry, I’d often give up my own needs and bend to accommodate others. This, in turn, made me feel angry and resentful. When I gave up my needs, I let people take advantage of me, then when they repeatedly did not respect me – I felt like I had been given the short end of the stick. I felt like a victim, and ‘it’s not fair’ became my mantra.
Jayson Gaddis, host of the Smart Couple podcast, teaches people how to have healthy long-term partnerships. He says one of the most important things we need is to know how to have conflict. Too many of us have this distorted view that when we find the right person, we live happily ever after. Too many of us believe we shouldn’t disagree with our partners, and that if we do, there is a problem, we either blame them or ourselves.
Jayson argues that conflict is inevitable. No two people are exactly alike and at some point, if we spend enough time together, we will disagree. It’s how we disagree that determines if the relationship will last.
Conflict, if done right, should lead to a greater understanding of another’s needs. In healthy relationships, both parties can speak their truth, and expect to be heard. And, when a couple understands the source of a conflict, they can work to develop a win–win solution and in turn a better relationship.
Unfortunately, too many of us don’t know how to have healthy conflicts, so we avoid them altogether. But avoiding conflict contributes to higher divorce rates, strains family dynamics and hurts our friendships. It also hampers us in getting our needs met at work, in our communities, and with our government.
So how do we learn to engage in healthy conflict?
Since I remain a student of how to do conflict well, I refer you to my 2 favorite resources that focus on how to tackle interpersonal conflict.
1. Jayson Gaddis teaches an excellent course on Conflict Relief.
2. Rachel Alexandria, author of the book Women Overboard! Six Ways Women Avoid Conflict and One Way to Live Drama-Free offers a course called: Power Embodied: 3 Months of Guidance for Productive Conflict and Better Leadership.
If you find it difficult to implement what you’ve learned, releasing subconscious barriers can help make that change easier. If you are in need of soothing your relationships, you can learn more about the Body Code. And, if you know anyone who struggles with healthy conflict, please share this article with them!
