3 Types of People That Leave Your Heart Broken
I had my heart broken so many times that after each breakup, I would get guarded and fearful around intimacy. In my healing journey, in addition to releasing the pain and anguish, I would get determined to figure out why. I needed to know what I did to contribute to the demise of this relationship, and if there was something about this person I attracted into my life, so I would know what to avoid in the future.
I needed to identify the types of people that would leave me heart broken.
My pattern was that I met men who were initially interesting and charming, but once I started showing interest, they would change or withdraw. I have since learned that as an empath, I am particularly susceptible to attracting these types of people.
What types of people should you avoid?
1. The secret narcissist
There are several types of pathological narcissists, and while some are more obviously grandiose and braggarts, others can be much more subtle. Some narcissists at first seem friendly, engaging and are often very charming. They often exude an incredible amount of confidence and make a great first impression. But as you get to know them, you realize they are bad listeners and the entire conversation becomes about them. If you get close to a sociopathic narcissist, they are manipulative and cruel, and can do incredible damage to your self-esteem. Narcissists don’t have the capacity for empathy, and can become particularly sadistic, vindictive and cruel.
Learn more about Why You Might Want to Stay Away from Prince Charming here.
2. The seductive narcissist
The seductive narcissist often will admire and flatter you, but her ultimate goal is to use you. You can learn more about the seductive narcissist here.
3. Someone with an avoidant attachment style
When we are babies, we need to create healthy emotional bonds with our parents. If our mother gave us the nurturing and care we needed, then we are likely to form a secure attachment style and have healthy relationships. But for the rest of us, we either have the anxious or avoidant attachment style. People with either the anxious and avoidant attachment styles want, and yet fear being emotionally intimate with others.
People with the anxious attachment style, want to be close, but can sabotage the relationship by being too overly concerned about their partner, and may not give them a reasonable amount of space.
People with the avoidant attachment style avoid closeness and value self-sufficiency. They avoid commitment and aren’t comfortable sharing feelings. They are regularly unhappy in the relationship and will idealize other relationships. They are quick to leave and move on if you try to get too close. People with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles are usually attracted to each other. You can learn more about the attachment styles here.
One thing that is common between these personality types is that narcissists and avoidant attachment styles have heart walls. A heart wall consists of trapped emotions around the heart that prevent them from passion and from emotional intimacy with others. Learn more about the heart wall here.
Do you have a pattern of falling for partners that leave your heart broken? Knowledge is power! The more we know about these personality types, the more we know about who to avoid! It is one reason why it is important to take the time to know them before committing!
Are you feeling defeated by love? Are you wanting a relationship, yet afraid to get yourself out there? If so, check out my Learn to Love Again Program and contact me to schedule a complimentary 20 min consultation.
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I really appreciate you writing this. Three weeks ago, I (anxious attachment style) somewhat unexpectedly broke up with my girlfriend (avoidant) of 16 months. I truly believe she’s a wonderful human being at her core, but as a 36-year-old man with plenty of relationship experience, I could see the proverbial red flags from her almost immediately. Her first relationship was an abusive one, and despite being a year older than me she had far, far less experience with love and companionship.
To her credit, early on in the relationship she admitted people have told her she’s too independent for her own good, to which she agreed (at times, but I think she was softening the truth). We met as she was starting the final year of a grueling PhD program, which I knew would take a lot of her time; as a professional man and college educated as well, I fully supported her – but under the impression she would still make time for us and to open up more. Then she told me about her volunteer work for Make a Wish, as well as being a foster mom for shelter cats and dogs. I admired all these things, but wondered where I fit in the picture.
It’s pretty simple: I didn’t. Or, I did, but only to her exact specifications, like she was intentionally keeping our intimacy at an arm’s distance. Despite all this, the first few months were really good (not great) until it became more and more clear how emotionally immature she was.
She never initiated sex. Ever. Very few words of affirmation. I put effort into unique date ideas and getting us out in the world and active, while her efforts were typical dinner and movie fare. I would make it clear through my words how much I’d want to see her, she’d be responsive but never have the enthusiasm you’d expect from a partner (Instead of something like, “Yes! Come on over tonight, I’d love to see you!,” it was more “Sure, we can do something.” Receiving a lukewarm response every once in a while is totally fine, but that wasn’t the case). I’m big on non-verbal cues like innocent, flirty touches; something as simple as gently caressing her shoulder as I walked by or squeezing her forearm while on the couch). I might as well have been a leper to her. She claimed to hate having her photograph taken, resulting in us having approximately two shots of us together for 16 months. However, she had no qualms regularly posting photos of her with various shelter animals, or after a run with her jogging group. So, yeah: doesn’t mind sharing pics of her sweaty and without makeup after a long run, but not any with me…..how the heck am I supposed to take all these things, exactly.
I’m well-versed in human psychology and have long had an affinity for understanding relationships. I know how important communication is, so I eventually sat down with her and politely and calmly explained how much I crave her affection (I felt so pathetic). I recognize people have different love languages and took this into account, and essentially said I need these things in a relationship. She was fairly understanding during that first talk, but I could tell it didn’t fully click and she had a slight attitude that silently told me, “This is who I am, I don’t know why you want those things.
I could turn this into a novel but I’ll speed up our demise for the sake of brevity: tried communicating my concerns to her more, that made her more uptight and defensive. Growing tired of putting forth so much effort and getting little in return, I admittedly stopped trying myself to match her output. Sure enough, we had sex approximately three times the last six months together. I went from spending the night at her place twice a week and her with me once a week, to going long stretches without sharing a bed. Color me surprised that the engine died once I stopped servicing it.
Over the last two months, I became desperate and would start trying to get a reaction out of her. Told her multiple times how pathetic and lonely I felt, how desperately I wanted that closeness with her. During one memorable conversation, she snapped back after I professed this and said “Then why are you with me?” Not “I’m sorry you feel that way. I know I have issues with this but I care about you and will try, I promise.” Nothing even close to resembling that, just apparent disdain for my “neediness.”
Reached my breaking point after going to her house one night. We started arguing, it got a little nasty, and without warning something in me clicked. She’s not going to change (to be clear, I’d never want to try and drastically change someone, I know how misguided that venture is. However, seeking intimacy that should be standard issue in a relationship isn’t the same thing.
So, I gave her key back and said we were done, and she took my key off her ring to hand to me. Not a hint of sadness in her; in fact, she was probably relieved. It’s going to take a stretch for me to overcome this, because my confidence isn’t even at the bottom of the barrel. It’s below the barrel, deep within the earth’s crust. And I don’t think she cares. Don’t get me wrong, she showed her feelings for me in other ways like acts of kindness so I don’t want to give the impression she’s a monster. But….the indifference….the “clinical” side of her personality….I just couldn’t.
Wow, this felt good to write. Even if you never see this, thanks again 🙂
Alec, thank you for your heart felt note! I’m sorry that your relationship left you so unsatisfied! I know what you are going through! It’s incredibly painful! I’ve been there too many times! But the good news is that no longer happens for me, and it doesn’t need to happen for you either!
Imagine being able to quickly identify if someone will be able to meet your needs, and moving on if they can’t. Imagine feeling worthy of the love and affection you want! This is possible for you by releasing the emotions and thought patterns that drive your negative feelings about yourself! Contact me if you’d like to learn more about what is possible, and how I can help you get there!
Hi Alec
I have also done a lot of research about dismissive types in the last three months of no contact with my ex boyfriend. When we broke up, I had become so desperate that I hated myself. But somewhere I was also doing it intentionally because I was tired of being understanding and I wanted to bring it to a point of make or break from where there is no going back. Sadly, that point was of break only. Sad but excepted. Somewhere I had the expectation that he will fight for me. But good that he hasn’t because it can never work out with him.
Alec, I have only one question for you. Are you over your ex now? If yes, how long did it take? I am 3 months in no contact and sometimes the wound still feels so fresh. Hoping to hear from you.
I was engaged to that same woman… I almost married her. Thank god I walked away. I wanted to die for 2 years after, but knew it was the right thing to do. The craving for her breadcrumbs was so intense and relief when she’d sho me a glimpse of affection was addictive. Good for you.
I hear you Noel. Glad you didn’t marry her. I know how hard it can be to let go of these relationships. Hopefully you now know the signs well enough so you don’t end up in a similar relationship! The key is to love yourself as much as the object of your affection.
Wow! Alec. That sounds like my story
Sorry to hear that Eva! Sounds painful! I hope both you and Alec can find partners that really appreciate you for who you are!
Fell for my best friend and we started dating he broke up with me out of nowhere he was extremely happy with me one week and the next just emotionless and he ended it with me I was so confused and he told me i needed to not be as close anymore. I believe he has an avoidant style his mom had him when she was very young and his dad was a meth addict so im sure he didnt get the nurturing he deserved as a child. He is only 23 do people ever get over this I still care about his future and I feel so bad he has to go through this. He loved giving me love and attention but when I tried to reciprocate it he felt as if he didnt want it. He is a hopeless romantic but he wont let himself receive love.
Hi Gina,
I’m so sorry to hear your relationship turned out that way. I’ve helped many heal from heartbreak. I’ve also helped many people feel worthy of love when their upbringing had taught them to feel otherwise. I’ve also been though both myself! I know these changes are possible if the person wants to commit to making that happen AND if they are using methods that work!
However, one of the hardest things we have to accept is that people aren’t necessarily ready to change on our schedule, even if its what they need.
When you heart is broken, I’d encourage you to focus on your releasing your own pain and trying to come to peace with what has happened.
If you’d like my support, feel free to contact me via my contact page!
I wish you a future full of the love you deserve!
-Dr Tina