We can’t be healthy alone

In America, we frame our ability to succeed in terms of our own skills and hard work. We are typically incentivized to win, to become that next big star, to reach that next milestone, or to become famous.

This constant competitiveness creates an us vs. them mentality. It has made us reward and idolize those that have made it, and neglect those that struggle.

And for those who have made it, well, it’s been great for them. But meanwhile more and more of us are living paycheck to paycheck. More and more of us are facing homelessness. More and more of us are becoming depressed, addicted and suicidal.

Read More

We Need Trust to Thrive

My world without trust

I grew up in an environment where I was regularly criticized, berated, or yelled at for minor infractions. I never knew when the tirades would come, and so I tried at all costs to avoid my parents. But it wasn’t easy to thrive in our small home. I didn’t know who I could trust. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, and because I felt I could be blamed for just about anything, the world did not feel like a safe, just, or fair place to be.

It took decades to finally understand the diagnoses that explained my parent’s behaviors. But as a kid, it was much harder to make sense of the anger. I alternated between trying to please them and lashing out. Because I couldn’t make sense of my life at home and lacked healthy parenting, I had to draw my own conclusions about the world. I decided that I had to take care of myself. I couldn’t trust people of authority or God. Love wasn’t something that I could count on. I couldn’t trust that good things or good people could come my way.

Read More

Why is change sometimes so damn hard?

Why is change sometimes so damn hard?

For some of us, there is an area of our life where change seems too damn hard. Maybe it’s getting healthy, maybe it’s changing that pesky habit, maybe it’s getting that promotion. We look to friends or others in social media who are succeeding in those realms, and think, “they have no idea how hard it is!” and “why is it so easy for them?”.

Change is hard because of our expectations.

We tend to think that we should see a linear relationship between our efforts and our results. In other words, more efforts, more results.

Read More

Just One Thing You Need To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

As the New Year approaches, it is a great time to start thinking about what we can do to improve. But if we don’t have a good track record with New Year’s resolutions, we might find the idea daunting. We might even be wondering if it’s worth doing. Indeed a ¹study that tracked people who made New Year’s resolutions found that only 46% kept their New Year’s resolutions past the six-month mark.

How To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

But all hope is not lost! If 46% of the subjects were able to keep their New Year’s Resolutions, then what was different about them that made that possible?

Read More

What To Do When They Won’t Listen

She won’t listen!

Christine was in a new business partnership with 2 others in Arizona.  She lived in Portland, and was stressed about this partnership.  Her partner in Arizona took on more much responsibility than she could reasonably do, and important procedures were missed and not attended to.  Christine tried to persuade her that she could do the accounting, and that they needed to have an overarching plan about how to distribute responsibilities.  But her business partner was too mired in what she was doing to listen.    She was stressed and frustrated by the potential consequences of what she foresaw happening with the business.   She needed to be heard and valued, but she was starting to worry that regardless of what she did or said, her partner wouldn’t listen.

We talked about how to get her needs met.

I told her

Read More

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

I had a client who regularly reminded me of her diagnoses to justify her behaviors and struggles.  “I have bipolar disorder, and therefore I… “ ,  “I have autism, and therefore I…. “.   I’ve heard other mental health professionals rail against giving people diagnoses.  They’ve argued that it isn’t helpful, because labeling people, makes them feel limited by their diagnosis.

I told my client:   You are not your diagnosis!

I remember how relieved I was when

Read More