We Need Trust to Thrive

Let me tell you about my world without trust…..

I grew up in an environment where I was regularly criticized, berated, or yelled at for minor infractions. I never knew when the tirades would come, so I tried at all costs to avoid my parents. It wasn’t easy to thrive in our small home when I didn’t know who I could trust. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, and I could be blamed for just about anything – the world did not seem a safe, just, or fair place to be.

It took decades to finally understand the diagnoses that explained my parents’ behaviors. But, as a kid, it was much harder to make sense of their anger. I alternated between trying to please them and lashing out. I couldn’t make sense of my life at home and lacked healthy parenting, so I drew my own conclusions about the world. I decided I had to take care of myself – I couldn’t trust people of authority or God. I couldn’t count on love, or trust that good things or good people would come my way.

Without trust in my environment or in other people, for 50 years I stayed vigilant to my surroundings. I alternated between shutting myself off from the world, and inching my way back into it. I didn’t know how to feel safe or who was going to hurt me next. Stretching myself was scary, as I had no one to soothe me if I failed. I didn’t know who to trust to help me with my career in academia, or when starting my business. I only trusted myself and had to do everything on my own. So, for most of my life, I didn’t thrive. In fact, I struggled to survive.

We need trust to thrive

But, I needed to trust, to receive the goodness that life had to offer.

I needed to trust to have deep and meaningful relationships, and to find the support required for my business.

That is why I am grateful I eventually found methods to achieve my own personal healing. I’ve released the bitterness, trauma and resentments about my early life experiences and addressed the attachment issues and inherited trauma. I am wiser about who is trustworthy, and more importantly, I can trust trustworthy people. I am now able to get the support I need, and am finally thriving!

Trust in institutions and our country

In the last 10-20 years, I’ve become increasingly disturbed by the lack of understanding in our ‘news’ media and amongst our politicians of the importance of trust. When I was young, we Americans used to be proud of our integrity and high moral standing in the world. But now there are plenty of people in our government who seem to lack the fundamental requirement we should have of our politicians; service to their people and country. I no longer trust our country to choose leaders that are kind, empathetic and have our collective best interest at heart. And, the recent shift from investigative journalism to soundbite journalism in most corporate media outlets made me lose trust in that industry as well. We used to have the Fairness Doctrine, the Equal Air Time Amendment, but now it’s perfectly legal for news organizations to distort the truth, or even lie.

I’ve been concerned about election integrity issues for over a decade – these issues compromise the integrity of our Democracy and have been growing, but so is awareness of them. As it stands, I believe we have a sham of a Democracy. With the vulnerability of our machines, corrupt election officials, dropping minorities from the polls, the influence of Super Pacs, gerrymandering, and the recent shenanigans by our former president, I’ve lost trust in our Democracy.

And I’m not alone. Most Americans agree that our trust in our government and each other is tenuous.

Trust is the glue in relationships

Paul J Zak, a professor of Neuroscience and Economics, TED speaker and author of Trust Factor, the Science of Creating High Performance Companies, speaks to companies regularly about how trust is foundational for a society to function.

For example, let’s take a simple transaction, a purchase. There needs to be some level of trust between buyer and seller. A buyer who can’t trust the seller will go elsewhere and if a seller can’t trust buyers, their business won’t thrive or even survive.

When laws and societal norms are applied equally to all, we can have faith in our justice system. But if laws are only enforced on those of us without privileges, we will no longer have the trust required for a functioning society. A society only built for the benefit of the few creates resentment and instability – we cannot expect peace or trust with such tensions!

How to build trust and thrive as a society

Denmark is the most trusting country in the world – they have ‘general societal trust’. 75% of Danes report having high trust in others, compared to 36% of people in the other 36 Democratic countries!! And, in some countries, less than 10% of citizens believe that others can be trusted.

So, how can the Danish have so much trust? They have the lowest level of corruption, they scorn hierarchy, their poverty rate is only at 5%, and they enjoy one of the lowest levels of income inequality. Danes pay high taxes but have the best social benefits – and they work only 34 hours a week! Their citizens value volunteerism, and only 3% of them are not interested in politics! They are fully committed to the wellbeing of all, and the pay off is trust!

Loss of trust is intimately related to inequality. In the US, trust in both our politicians and each other has steadily eroded over the last few decades. As demonstrated in Robert Reich’s movie Inequality for All, the poor have taken on a larger burden of the taxes while tax breaks and entitlements have been shifted to the wealthy. Scarcity in housing has enabled landlords to increase rent beyond the ability of renters to pay. This has created a class system, of land owners versus tenants, with landlords gaining more power and control over tenants’ housing stability. Contrary to the trickle-down theory, inequality keeps growing – in fact, currently just 3 men own more than the bottom 50% of Americans.

We must restore trust in each other and our government

Having honest elections is an important starting point to rebuilding trust in our government, so I’m working with an organization that is focused on this issue called Scrutineers.

Americans need public health classes in school, so we can be better informed and develop a wiser perspective about all the variables involved in managing epidemics. Then people will be equipped with a better sense of who to trust, and when they are being misled during pandemics.

There is a fabulous series of videos for adults from University of Washington on YouTube called ‘Calling Bullshit‘ – but children also need access to resources and be taught how to tell truth from fiction.

Our government needs to start taxing the ultra-wealthy fairly and distribute the proceeds to end poverty in America.

When working with my clients, I make every effort to manage expectations before we sign contracts and I accept payment for our sessions. And, with clients and in my personal life, I take my commitments seriously.

After all, trust is foundational to interdependence, and our ability to thrive. Trust is sacred.

We cannot thrive as a country without the ability to trust each other, or our government.

Do you want to live in a world where we can trust each other? Can you imagine a country where we all feel safe in the streets and with each other? Can you imagine a country where we can be ourselves, and we are all celebrated for our uniqueness? For our personal survival and the survival of our species, we must prioritize trust!

We must demand more integrity from our leaders, from each other and ourselves! Without trust, we simply cannot thrive as individuals or as a country!

What will you do to help us thrive and rebuild a culture of trust? Please share in the comments below!