What to do When a Debate Gets Toxic

I admit that I can be very opinionated. I’m passionate about social justice, about treating people, animals and our mother earth compassionately, and I’m not a fan of policies that favor profit over our collective welfare. And my opinions, which I’m not afraid to share, frequently attract others who wish to “debate”.   I say this in quotation marks because I believe we’ve lost understanding of the meaning of debate in this country.   When I was young, I don’t remember politics being this vitriolic. I don’t remember people calling each other names or making personal insults to the degree that we do these days. I say this in quotations because I believe that as soon as the personal attacks begin, the person (or persons) who choose to engage in them are no longer debating. They are arguing.

And why is this distinction important?   Because knowing whether your argument is a debate vs. an argument can give you important information about how this interaction is going to impact your relationship, and your mood.

What does a civil debate look like?  The 2 parties are sticking to their arguments about the topic at hand.   There’s a consideration of all sides, and a mutual respect for each other as people.   After the debate, you’ve gained a greater understanding of both sides of the issue, and you can still be friends after without a lot of resentment or animosity.

As soon as the attacks start getting personal, then it becomes an argument. If my opponent starts making accusations or generalizations like, “you people always….”, then I can tell that there’s more than is going on that a simple debate of the current issue.   At that point, I usually find a way to disengage, as I can sense that this person is really wanting to argue to vent frustration, and I choose not to play the part of their emotional punching bag.   They are rarely consciously aware of this.   Of course part of the frustrations might be that there is someone (me) that has such a divergent opinion, but if you can’t be respectful, then its likely that there’s unresolved frustration that needs to be released.

How does one disengage from an argument? I typically say, “Look, I’m not really interested in arguing this with you”.  Let’s agree to disagree, ok?   If they persist, I will continue to remind them that I am not interested in engaging in the debate as I don’t see us being able to see eye to eye. Importantly if their arguments do get personal, it’s important for me to keep in mind that this is about them venting their frustration, and is very unlikely to have anything to do with me.

What is your favorite way to disengage from an argument?   Please comment below! And if you think this will help a friend, please share!

* Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net.