My client Rachel came to me consumed by anger towards her ex, even though they had been apart for years. She said he just knew how to get ‘under her skin’ and felt like he could reach into the depths of her soul and tear her heart out. Earlier in their relationship she believed he was her soul mate, but she couldn’t get over what happened to sever their relationship: she had even felt like he purposely tried to undermine her career!
When couples don’t get along
When clients come to me because their relationship isn’t working, sometimes they are full of blame. Other times, they feel guilty because they get angry and frustrated too easily, and end up doing things they regret. Sometimes they aren’t clear why they’re not getting along, but they still want to find a way to make things work with their partner so they can enjoy a better relationship.
So, why can’t we just get along?
We are typically triggered by events or behaviors we have encountered before. We can be more prone to this depending on the experiences of our ancestors. (For more information, see my article, ‘How Can I Change an Inherited Problem? Introducing Epigenetics‘). It sounds strange, but we often actually attract people who are likely to trigger us. This is because unconsciously, we are trying to resolve a previous wrong.
For example, if you’ve felt neglected for most of your life, you might be attracted to someone who also makes you feel neglected. Or, if you had to take care of a parent because they suffered from an addiction, you may attract a spouse with a similar issue.
To Have a Better Relationship – You Must Release the Triggers
Luckily, techniques like the Body Code and Emotion Code can reliably help clients to change their relationships. Each of the techniques work because we use them to focus on the underlying triggers and when we calm the nervous system down around things that trigger us, those triggers disappear!
Many of my clients change their reactions when we do this work. Because we’ve released their emotions and negative thought patterns, it is easier for them to be their best selves when they are with their partner. Without the emotional triggers they see things more rationally, and are often able to see how they themselves have contributed to the problem. This opens the door for more a compassionate dialog and greater understanding.
Going back to Rachel’s situation – so what happened when we released all the feelings of betrayal, anger, grief and despair, and the negative story that was fueling her anger?
Did Rachel’s Relationship Get Better?
When Rachel saw her ex again, she was able to be authentic with her emotions. This was so powerful that he admitted he had truly loved her all this time! He ended his current relationship, pledged to change, and promised to do what he could to make the relationship with Rachel work! We were stunned! But I wanted to make sure she approached this new phase of their relationship cautiously. So, we released any barriers that could obstruct her view of the whole picture and stop her being careful. Slowly bit by bit, with the help of expert guidance, they have been rebuilding their relationship!
Do You Know Any Couples that Long for a Better Relationship?
While couples counseling is important, it does not completely release the triggers of each person’s past. Any strategies we learn can be much more difficult to employ if we continue to get emotionally charged. But when we release the emotions and negative stories, we approach our partner with a different energy. The strain and tension in a relationship dissolves away and leaves the love you feel for each other.
Effective strategies can help reduce any future tension and ensure a healthy relationship. But the energy shift which comes from releasing past triggers is powerful, and can even be sufficient depending on the couple!
Do you, or someone you know, long for a better relationship? Please share this article with them and check out my program Learn to Love Again.
