I spent most of my life hating my father. When growing up, he constantly criticized us or lectured us about how or who we should be. Because he had so much anger and insisted that we were responsible for not making him angry, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never felt like I could be myself. The constant striving to please him to avoid his anger was exhausting!
I remember being told more than once as a young adult that I needed to forgive him. That just deepened my despair because I just couldn’t figure out how. So much of his criticism left me feeling anxious, unlovable, and unacceptable. I blamed him for his role in making me feel that way.
How to Forgive
I remember the day when my perspective shifted. It was key to helping me figure out how to forgive him, and anyone else that I felt had wronged me!
It was when I heard Gary Craig, the grandfather of Emotional Freedom Technique say, “I believe that everyone is doing the very best that they can”.
Why is it so hard to forgive?
I have to admit that if I had heard that years before, I probably would have dismissed it. For most of my life, I was too absorbed in blame mode.
When I heard Gary Craig’s declaration of his belief, I had been using EFT to release the anger I felt towards those who had wronged me. I realized by that point, how mired we can get in our own thought patterns. I knew that if our emotions were still too strong thanks to the amygdala hijacking the decision-making part of our brain, we wouldn’t be able to forgive, change our hearts, or our behavior. And that this was not only true for me but true for my father as well.
For each and every one of us, how we see our present-day reality is through the filter of our own life-long experiences and our epigenetic experiences. I hear clients often think that their reactions are normal and thus nothing can be done. But there is no such thing as normal! Our responses range from staying composed without taking things personally (the Dalai Lama exhibits this well), to easily being triggered and lashing out. In response to cruelty, a person’s response could range from being afraid, being angry, crying, going numb, or even laughing. And in order to be able to forgive and view others with compassion, we have to let go of the emotions and pain that they trigger from our past. If we haven’t done this, then it is extremely difficult to step out of our old patterns. It can be a challenge to act in accordance with our best and highest selves. It can be hard to forgive.
How you can begin your path to forgiveness
Is there someone in your life that you can’t seem to forgive? Remember that even though it may not feel like it, they don’t have as much control over their thoughts our behavior as they believe they do. Know that they are operating from their own pain.
Want to learn more about how I can help? Learn more about the Emotion Code and Body Code here, and contact me to schedule a complimentary consultation.
