Have you ever wondered why we self-sabotage?
We tend to self-sabotage with our addictions, whether they are food, alcohol, or an obsessive habit such as hand washing. It’s a maladaptive self soothing behavior, that helps us avoid what we actually need in the moment.
A client I was working with who needed to release a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors wasn’t exercising regularly, drinking enough water, or eating well. We released the negative beliefs, emotions, addictive thought patterns and feelings of sabotage, and she developed healthy eating, hydration and exercise habits.
Although she had got to a healthy streak of losing weight and looking great, she had a fear that she could self-sabotage again. So we asked her subconscious, “what triggers me to self-sabotage?” The answers were not only enlightening but likely relevant to most or all of us!
Her subconscious revealed that she could be triggered to self-sabotage when:
1. Bad things happened to her.
There is an insidious belief that when bad things happen to us, we deserve it. This can be often driven by religion (for example, ‘if you don’t believe in God, then bad things will happen’), or a belief in the Law of Attraction or Karma. The problem is bad things can happen to anyone, and many of them can be completely out of our control. Taking the heat for the negative things that happen to us, regardless of whether we could have controlled them, won’t serve us. It just leads to self-sabotaging and self-defeating behavior that restricts our ability to thrive. So let’s let go of that shall we?
2. Others were abusive to her.
Because we are social beings, we are particularly prone to the belief systems of people in our environment. If my client was bullied or treated badly, she would subconsciously take on the beliefs of her abusers to inflict harm on herself.
And the reason why we do this, is similar to Stockholm Syndrome – in that harming oneself can help release the perceived threat of the victim, and reduce conflict between the aggressor and victim.
Many self-harming behaviors, like eating unhealthy foods for example, have an immediate self-soothing effect. But in the long term, they leave us feeling bad about ourselves and powerless to stop repeating them.
For my client to stop abusing herself after others had abused her, we needed to explore when to value other’s opinions. For example, it is helpful to know when someone says something inconsiderate or unthoughtful, that they are acting from their OWN place of hurt. If you happen to be the unlucky target, for whatever reason, it does NOT mean you are worthy of their insensitivity.
Once you realize they are not showing the best version of themselves and their actions are more about them than you, it is easier to separate their behavior from who you are. This can put you in a position of power and you can decide if and how you want to continue to engage with the person. And, once you are clear on your boundaries, you can express them!
3. She was unhappy for any other reason.
We released subconscious patterns that caused her to sabotage when she felt unhappy.
4. When she was tired.
I encouraged her to take 10-15 minute breaks throughout the day. We have a limited amount of willpower, and if we don’t take time to rest, we can feel depleted as the day goes on. A 10-15 minute power nap is the perfect way to recharge your willpower!
5. Because she did not practice self-compassion.
My client had a habit of beating herself up and although she was an attractive woman, she would regularly berate herself for her looks. Even when friends complimented her, she’d tell herself they were ‘just being nice’ and come up with reasons why she was unworthy of their kindness.
Overcoming self-sabotage with self-compassion.
Having self-compassion means we more easily forgive ourselves when things go wrong, we are treated badly, or are unhappy. And the latest research suggests that it might be an important way to overcome self-sabotage. For example, a study found that people who scored higher on tests of self-compassion had better eating habits. In a study from Wake Forest University, researchers divided women into two groups, one group was given messages of self-compassion with food, and the other was not. When the women were given doughnuts and sweets, the ones who did not receive the positive messages felt bad about the sweets, and engaged in emotional overeating, the other group did not.
Do you tend to self-sabotage? While our intentions to change are usually in alignment with our highest interests, our subconscious, which controls 95% of our thought processes, often sabotages our success. You can learn more about subconscious blocks to healing in my videos here. The good news is that by releasing subconscious barriers we can let go of negative thought patterns and emotions that drive self-sabotage and act in alignment with who we want to be! And, we can even release those subconscious barriers to self-compassion!
I have often seen my clients habits change within just one session of exploring this topic! We have a limited supply of willpower so practicing self-compassion can make positive change easier to achieve and longer lasting. If you found this article useful please share it with anyone you know who could benefit from less self-sabotaging and more self-compassion.
