17 Questions to determine if you truly love yourself

17 Questions to determine if you truly love yourself

I thought I loved myself

After decades of self-loathing, the constant self-criticism had stopped. Every once in awhile, I’d hear a voice in my head telling me, “You are beautiful”.

Then one day, my boyfriend told me he no longer loved me. I had tolerated his lack of initiative far longer than I should have, and I had given more to the relationship than I was receiving.

When you don’t love yourself enough

This break up shook me to the core. I had a to clear a lot of pain.   Suddenly, those old feelings of not being lovable came back in full force.

In releasing my pain, I began to ask myself these questions:

1.  ) While my mind knew that the relationship was over, I had a very hard time letting go and accepting that he wasn’t returning.   There was a strong part of me that kept wishing I could win him back. I realized in releasing this that I valued his opinion of me more than my own!  I let him be the deciding determination of whether I was lovable! Why had I given him so much power?

2.) I was ashamed of my behavior in the relationship. Why had I not been able to see that he wasn’t doing his part? Why did I allow myself to be in a relationship that was so one-sided?   Did I love him more than my own dignity and respect for myself?  Why couldn’t I trust him to love me just as I am?  Why couldn’t I leave a relationship that wasn’t mutual?

This experience proved to me that I had more work to do. Clearly, I didn’t love myself enough to have the kind of relationship I wanted.

I wish I had realized this long before.  Who knows what kind of relationships I could have had if I had loved myself as much as I wanted others to love me?

I realized there are so many of us either stuck in unhappy relationships or unsatisfying relationship patterns.  And not loving ourselves enough is a key underlying reason why.

So what should we be asking ourselves to determine if we love ourselves?


Here are 17 questions to determine how much you love yourself:

For questions 1-9 below, give yourself a score from 0 (no) to 5 (yes) to indicate how strongly you feel:

  1. When you make a mistake, can you forgive yourself?
  2. Do you believe you are worthy of having the relationship with the man/woman you want?
  3. Do you feel worthy and deserving of what you really want in your life?
  4. Do you feel that you can be loved if you are being your true self?
  5. Do you feel that you can be loved if you speak your mind?
  6. Can you set healthy boundaries to be clear about what you will and will not tolerate?
  7. Do you treat your body well? (ie get enough exercise, healthy food, sleep)?
  8. Do you allow yourself time to renew, have fun, and for self-care?
  9. When others express love or appreciation, are you able to embrace it?

For questions 10-12 below, give yourself a score from 5 (no) to 0(yes) to indicate how strongly you feel:

  1. Do you put aside your own feelings to keep the peace?
  2. Do you feel that love has to be earned?
  3. Are there parts of you that you are too shameful to share with others?

In a relationship:

For questions 13-17 below, give yourself a score from 0 (no) to 5 (yes) to indicate how strongly you feel:

  1. Do you expect to receive as much as you give?
  2. Do you let him/ her initiate equally in the relationship?
  3. Imagine that you become sick or injured and can no longer help others or take care of yourself.   Do you feel worthy of being cared for by others?
  4. Do you take care of your own needs before others?
  5. Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your best friends & partner?

Score:

0-34: It sounds like self-love is a challenge for you.

34-51: Your self-love needs some work.

51-68: Your self -love is ok. But you have room to grow!

68-85:   Congratulations! You love yourself.  If you have questions you scored low on, those specific areas should be addressed.


From self-loathing to self-love

What happened when I released barriers to believing I was worthy of the love I want?

I noticed a profound shift in the men I was attracting!   In online dating, I used to feel like I attract mostly men who I could never love, but now I’m finding it is a lot easier to get the attention of men that I find interesting, attractive and fun!

salsa dancing

The biggest shift I noticed was with salsa dancing. I had been salsa dancing for over 15 years, but hadn’t gone as much in the last few years because finding good dance partners felt too hard.   I felt like I always had to ask the men I wanted to dance with, and when I did, I often felt like they had done me a favor.  I was sincerely grateful for their willingness to dance with me!  This was crazy, because I am a great dancer and a lot of fun to dance with!  But somehow when I danced with good leads, I lost all my confidence.   As much as I loved the dance, the emotional toll it took on me often felt like more than I could handle!

After releasing barriers to attracting men I wanted, I decided to try again.   I went with the intention of just having a good time, and wow did I notice a difference!

First of all, I found myself turning down men I did not want to dance with.   Setting healthy boundaries around how I wanted to be treated opened up more doors to dancing with men I wanted to dance with.   During the night, I seemed to have caught the interest of a couple of men who asked me to dance a number of times, and wanted to know when I would return!   This was not a usual experience for me!   Then towards the end of the night, I was asked to dance by 2 different very attractive men who were incredible leads.  It was clear they enjoyed dancing with me as much as I did with them!   I went home that night feeling empowered, and excited to return!

The benefits of loving ourselves

If this questionnaire has left you realizing that your self-love is getting in the way of healthy relationships, and attracting who and what you want, it is time to invest in you!   We can release barriers to getting a complete yes (or no with questions 10-12).   What are the benefits? Not only will you attract people that treat you well, but you will be able to attract people who you respect and value!  When we love ourselves, it is easier to be more loving to others.   When we give our time and resources, when we feel loved, it will come from a genuine place of love and compassion.   The Dalai Lama is well loved because people feel loved in his presence.  This love begins with the love we feel towards ourselves!

If you are ready to love yourself to attract what you want in life, contact me here to set up a complimentary 20 min call.

 

* Please note that self-love is NOT the same as narcissism. While narcissists may appear to love themselves on the surface, know that they would not behave that way if they truly loved themselves.

2 Comments

  1. Stephanie
    Feb 3, 2018

    Indeed, Self love is not the same as narcissm–just the opposite! Narcissim is a fearful grasp towards love that we’re often fearful we don’t deserve. True love is unconditional. And that’s a high bar. Loving our lovable aspects is easy, but our shadow aspects are a bit more challenging. One very revealing inner test is our judgments of others–what we fear and judge in others is often what we can’t forgive if we were to ever express in ourselves. Love the shadow and we’re on our way to authentic self love.

    • Tina
      Feb 10, 2018

      Thank you Stephanie!

      I couldn’t agree with you more!
      -Dr. Tina

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