Since I last wrote this article in 2015, I’ve been troubled that online bullying seems to be spreading. Now we regularly hear of incidents between different racial groups, in planes, our media, and our politics.
There are numerous reasons why. There’s increasing political tensions, fueled by angry media pundits, politicians, and divisiveness over how (or whether to) address the pandemic. Some people are depending more on substances like alcohol rather than looking within. Personally, I feel adults who bully or are mean, are being immature, and are demonstrating a lack of care about how they treat others.
So how can we stop this?
We start by having firm boundaries around how ourselves and others deserve to be treated.
What I wrote then still applies today…
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Last week, I submitted a comment on a blog, and got back the wrath of what I call an “angry man-child”. He insulted me and everything I said, it was clear he was ready to pick a fight. I was getting defensive and starting to think about how I’d retaliate. I quickly realized my emotions were getting in the way and decided to call him out on his behavior by labeling it, and then respectfully use reason to argue my point.
I hoped this would make him aware of how he came across, but answered me with more vehement insults and lambasted me for not addressing his points.
I knew he was an angry man-child trying to defend his ego that someone in the past had insulted. But I still wanted to find a way to silence him. I wanted him to realize he was spreading anger and hatred that only hurt himself and others.
I couldn’t seem to let the issue go!
And then I realized why I wanted him to stop so desperately, because he reminded me of my father.
Growing up, my father was constantly criticizing me, and infusing our home with his volatile temper. Nothing I did made him stop, I wanted him to know how he was acting, but all my attempts backfired into more insults and attacks from him.
I remembered how vulnerable and hopeless I felt in the presence of my father and other bullies. So much so I wanted to make them realize how they impacted me, so they couldn’t hurt others.
I felt desperate to make this bully stop! So I decided to let him know how awesome I was by showing him his comments about me were completely unfounded! I apologized if I had offended him and told him it wasn’t my intent. I then ignored his other malicious attacks and tried to kill his inner beast with kindness.
As I was writing, I realized that no matter what I said, and my intentions, he’d find a way to take offense. I was walking on eggshells, and regardless how nice I tried to be, he would not see the impact of his actions.
At that point, I found a way to flag him, and soon after his comments disappeared.
Meanwhile, I realized what a source of stress he had been to me! I had spent too much emotional energy and time trying to make him stop.
After clearing my emotions around this interaction, I concentrated on creating strategies for those who were being bullied. My aim was to help them be empowered to say how they feel, and to create respectful boundaries. Maybe if we all engaged with bullies this way, we would take the fuel out of their fire.
So here are my 6 steps to dealing with bullies, trolls and haters:
1. Remember its not you, it’s them.
People who feel good about themselves don’t need to be mean. Those who are desperate for some sense of pride, cut others down to make them temporarily feel better about themselves. In the long run, it only hurts them. They will pick on people who seem (at face value) to be unlike them, and people who they perceive won’t be able to effectively fight back. Women and children are often prime targets.
It has nothing to do with you.
2. Check your own emotions.
Bullies and haters often have a knack for finding your raw spots created from previous attacks. Check in with your own feelings and treat yourself with compassion. If you learn more about how you respond and why, you’ll be able to see this interaction isn’t just about you and the bully. Your reaction is largely based on your past experiences!
3. Resist the urge to retaliate.
Do not try to retaliate – remember the bully has expertise in being mean, and his mission is to irk you. If you retaliate, that is exactly what the bully wants, and you only add fuel to the bully pulpit.
4. Exit swiftly & gracefully.
I’m a big fan of standing up for yourself and calling bullies out if they say something hurtful. It is important you take ownership for your feelings. Never stoop to their level by name calling or labeling. Simply say, “I was hurt by _________, and I am only interested in mutually respectful interactions. ” If that feels too vulnerable, then simply say, “I’m only interested in mutually respectful interactions.”
If the interaction is online, and you suspect a retaliation, try to find a way to block them. If they respond rudely, ignore them. You’ve already told them your standards for interacting, so they need to meet those before you give your time.
If the interaction is in person, you can use a similar approach. If the person keeps attacking you, use the broken record approach, repeating “I’m only interested in mutually respectful interactions.” If you can, remove yourself from the situation.
5. Pity them.
If you understand why they are doing this (because they lack self-respect), you will be able to recognize their vulnerability. This helps you realize that they treat anyone they can this way. Knowing it’s not about you means you can let go of any anger and move on.
6. Restore your self-esteem/self-worth.
If you are triggered by mean people, then to buffer yourself against future attacks, you will need to rebuild your self-esteem. There may be a part of you that agrees with the bully, and you have to let that go. If you need help with this, a Body Code/Emotion Code or EFT practitioner should be able to help!
Do you, or anyone you know have to deal with a bully? Please share this article with them, you never know when it might come in handy!
